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S Hollins

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(no subject) [Jan. 28th, 2015|10:20 pm]
S Hollins
Nothing is more healing than catharsis
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Hope is here [Jan. 26th, 2015|10:58 am]
S Hollins
Tasha and I had a really pleasant weekend together. Despite my bump about clutter in the house, we just basked in the company of one another. On the friday, actually, I was with friends and she went out clubbing, but on the saturday we went together to a vegan restaurant that Tasha had discovered, and it was lovely! I could just spend entire afternoons in there reading a book and getting coffee! Sunday we spent in the house, we had a nice sort out, and my network port in my laptop broke, so I was tinkering a little to fix that. At night, we watched 'velvet goldmine' together, while having dominos pizza. It's hard to stress just how amazing it feels to have my sickness subsiding... To be able to finally do simple things like order a dominos and enjoy it without illness or worry. Actually, I say that, but I *was* worrying after I ate the dominos, but I'm going to be like this for a while - I've spent about a year feeling constantly, unrelentingly sick. My brain is obviously going to tell itself all about what a bad idea it is to eat! The fact is, though, that Tasha and I were able to have a really nice weekend with one another! It was lovely. I feel torn from her now.

I know this might seem out of the blue, by the way, since I don't tend to be a fan of venting my woes all over my journal, but I've basically had a year of being sick all the time and one spoiled plan after another. I recognised that plenty of people have it worse - that some would kill for stomach illness to be the worst of their problems! Because of this I tried not to say too much about it, but now that I feel that I'm starting to get better, I can start talking about it a little more positively. It seems that my best christmas present might just have been the end of my sickness!

Now I'm really pumped for next time I meet Tasha in this little vegan restaurant. We've been doing costa fridays after work as well, and that, too, lights up my smile when I think about it!
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Transgender voice, pronouns etc. [Jan. 20th, 2014|10:31 am]
S Hollins
I can't say how delightful it is to answer the phone, have a guy at the other end ask to speak to *oldname*, and after I begin to discuss the account, they interrupt me and say 'sorry, I can't discuss this with a spouse or relative, is *oldname* there?...

(click to read full post in community)

Getting on [Dec. 23rd, 2013|11:53 am]
S Hollins
[Current Mood |introspective]

I've been making really good progress personally recently, which kinda makes it difficult for me to talk about it, and also difficult to empathise with this community in the way I once could.

See, the problem is, everything is great for me. My job is excellent, pays well, is challenging at just the right level, and totally supportive of my gender issues. My partner is massively support (She's my rock, truly), most of my family and friends are supportive and encouraging, etc. This makes it really hard to update because I know people see 'how great is my life' posts as annoying.

The thing is, I feel, weirdly, like I've had no outlet whatsoever for my feelings regarding the changes I've gone through. My friends just accept me, and that unquestioning acceptance kinda leaves me with lots of answers to questions that have never been asked. I never really celebrated my transition or anything, I don't think anyone other than me knows even roughly when I changed biologically, ditto for the legal side of things, and it kinda makes you feel lost. I suppose it's humbling, really, that such life-changing, monumental stuff to me is insignificant in the eyes of others, and that's a life lesson I really did think I had already learned, so why is it surprising me?

Past musings behind cut...Collapse )
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The grind [Jan. 19th, 2013|03:46 am]
S Hollins
Originally posted by darkfox_uscm at The grind
It feels like a slow grind, trying over time to get friends and family accustomed to using the correct pronouns. (read more in link, above)
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Progress. [Aug. 23rd, 2012|07:05 pm]
S Hollins
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Mood |hopefulhopeful]

Having gone through a rant on facebook with a few friends, I realised I should really mention the help I've gotten in recent months...

In May my partner and I went to London to the transhealth clinic. There I got some advice and a great deal of momentum about the issues that I've been blocked on for so long by the NHS.
After seeing a chap more locally I was advised to make my transition more 'official'. I've previously been open with my family, but after a bad experience I went back to semi-closet with my parents. This weekend I thoroughly destroyed that and told my folks directly that I was trans.
In a similar vein, I informed the relevant authorities at work that I'll be going through a name change soon, and they should be ready to update their records.

Now I always felt that getting around to making this 'official' would never really be much of a milestone, because I've been pretty much living true to myself for years now, but I admit it wasn't what I expected. The thought of having a passport and driving license to validate me is something I latched onto after I asked for a medical note (*). He advised me how much better a passport would be, and I started to really want it. Before long I started to feel like I *deserved* it, and now, pressing toward it has given me a lot of momentum.

I go on holiday later this year. I didn't book the holiday in my birth name. I'm assuming/hoping passports don't take 2+ months to change over?

*: A club that I've been a regular in for some 10 years disallowed me access to the toilets back in June. I got my money back from the asshole doorman that refused me, and obviously stopped going there, but it really, *really* upset me, walking home on my own in tears, embarrassed to be myself and too ashamed to even let family/partner talk to me.
The next day we went to Alton towers, and I decided, to avoid having another horrid experience, I'd just use the men's toilets that one time. I got thrown out of those, too, and experienced a weird kind of vindication (a good feeling) mixed with a horrible sense of mistreatment. Made me realise I could do with a note or something to avoid it happening in future...

Anyway, wish me luck. Still feeling a little 'against the ropes' after coming out to my parents after 30+ years in the closet... :)
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Last chance [Feb. 14th, 2012|07:16 pm]
S Hollins
Just had a pretty drawn-out conversation with my lover about HRT. I really should learn to stop being surprised by how enthusiastic she is about me getting the future I want. I think I've experienced so much rejection, pushiness, and worst of all the 'sudden turn around' in terms of lover's take on gender dysphoria, that I kinda expect them, despite being on to someone wholly better than that. :)

Friday is looking like a big day for decision making - it's pretty much crunch-time for the NHS. I'm not living through my 30's with the same issues I've spent the rest of my life struggling with. I'll be seeing my doctor at 8:20 in the morning, and following that, I'll be spending the morning talking to my private councillor, and private endocrinologist.

I don't really feel apprehensive about any of it, to be honest. I feel like I've already walked the walk*, and this feels like a matter of formality. Me and my gender are kinda like a couple that have lived together for the last 12 years - taking that final step and making things 'official' feel like more of a reflective 'closure' than a hurdle. I'm going full speed ahead with this now, to get out of limbo and be happier with myself.


*: I guess it's a shame that voice has always been the biggest hurdle for me.

ps. To anyone wondering why I'm posting about this, instead of updating this journal with all the life-changes I've experienced in the last 5 years, sorry, I can't be bothered to type out 5 years of autobiography. It'd bore you, anyway. This stuff is far more interesting. Suffice to say I'm happy in work and home, I'm happy in life and love, and I'm trying to get happy in body and mind.
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Recent birthday fun [Dec. 3rd, 2006|06:38 pm]
S Hollins
Well, my birthday weekend is over, had some brilliant nights out with friends and family.

Last weekend (pre-emptive birthday do) featured a trip up to burton for pitch black, then this friday we went to Jilly's in Manchester for very-drunken fun, followed by the Glebe in stoke, last night, which had to be the best of the 3.

Since I had a riot, I figured I could post some pictures here...
pose-happy snappy'sCollapse )
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Back from whitby... [Oct. 31st, 2006|06:58 pm]
S Hollins
[Current Music |Intra Venus - Confusion]

Well, just finished unpacking from whitby, and it was absolutely spectacular. Unfortunately we didn't bring back any pictures of 'the streets full of goths', but the memory is there from now on, and we're both agreed we absolutely will not miss another whitby event...

Still, the best parts by far for me were the nights out, meeting all the fantastic people and dancing to fabulous music was incredible.

Thursday's drunken fun with Emma, Colin, Vicky, Victoria, Alan, Adam and Marisha was fantastic (over heavy conversations and drama be forgotten).

Friday's chance to meet chris and carolyn for the first time was great, and seeing sian and shaun along with a load of the other stoke goths was nice too, shame both were so brief.

The best for me, though, had to be saturday night. Not only were most of the above attending, but the music and bands were absolutely incredible. I had more fun dancing, singing, and chatting than I've had for such a long time, it really will be a night to remember.

Sunday was an anticlimax, mainly because Adam was ill, and Kirsty and I couldn't get tickets to the night we wanted to go to, but it wasn't bad all the same.

Monday's shopping in the day was good, and we ventured on up the many steps to the abbey, before coming back down and having tea and chips in a cosy little restaurant. I declined the offer to go out monday night, a little exhausted.

Anyway, pics behind cut:Collapse )
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2006|02:30 am]
S Hollins
[Current Music |London after Midnight - clair's horrors (live)]

Been a while since I updated....

Went out last weekend to pitch black - had an excellent night with ghoulish types, I'll include kirsty's latest pictures below in a cut.

Now Nothing (the band) is at a bit of a standstill right now while Ad gets his new house furnished and I get myself sorted on a new bike, but we've got a few interesting songs drafted up.

Gender issues are very much up and down. I'm gutted that things didn't go further with my last GP, and I was heartbroken when they 'cast me out' to find a new practice just as I was getting some positive help re: hormones - very unprofessional of them. My new GP is impossible to talk to, so I'm hoping to find yet another in the next week or two so that I can get some help with this.
That being said, being completely 100% 'out' at work, and having such a positive backing from Kirsty and Creamy, is helping me feel comfortable and content in the day-to-day, so I don't feel a prisoner in my body so much anymore.

Work has been bad lately, got moved on to a new team which wasn't anything like what was promised for me, and instead of more responsibility I got more menial work and a change in working hours that makes it hard to go to/from work with kirsty.

Things with K have been great though, we just finished watching Angel and 'the Craft', and I'm really looking forward to whitby with her. Then there's a bunch of days off for samhain, not to mention the fun to be had on my birthday, so the next month or so should be a great one.

In hobbies, I've been playing some twitchy shooting games (psyvariar 2, rrootage), among other computer games (world of warcraft and oblivion). More enjoyably though, I've taken to doing wiki searches about complicated scientific areas like subatomics, antimatter, plasmas and ions, acids, dark matter etc. I've got this geeky part of me that just soaks it all up with glee, and it makes me beam with happiness when I wrap my mind around another little part of it.

Anyway, since this is likely to be the last update before whitby, if there's anyone left on my friends that fancies meeting up that I haven't already arranged a whitby meet with, just post a reply about it.

Now those pics...
Read more...Collapse )
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